heart

the heart is a gift and at the same time it hurts to let it be open. i am learning on a daily basis how much it hurts to love and how good it feels at the same time. I miss my baby....but does he really miss me? why do things get so complicated so quickly? this question is pondering my mind due to the fact that things are moving so fast with him....gosh i know i am thinking too much and concerned...but its only love in my heart.

in the clouds

Today was an intense day...Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away...I have been very depressed. MJ is one of my icons and heros today and I am sad beyond belief. I pray that his family stays strong and can get through this. On another note....I miss my baby Ryan. We had such an amazing night last night at his house...I could relive it over and over again. He makes my heart smile and I miss him so much right now....although I saw him last night and had another incredible evening with him and spoke with him many times today...it still doesn't compare to holding him in my arms and telling him how much I love being with him. I see so many great things in the future and his love for his boys melts my heart. When he speaks to me and stares into my eyes I see his soul and I can't help but smile when I am with him. My head has been in the clouds for days and I can't grasp reality because I am so in awe at the moment. I feel like someone needs to slap me across the face and wake me up right now because I am crazy head over heels. I look forward to seeing my baby tomorrow and embracing our moments together. Wow.....its for real :)

Lately...

So as of lately my life has been quite exciting. School is out, work is going well, and I have been having fun seeing friends and going out with Ryan. I have my head stuck in the clouds, so I'm trying to pull myself out and get the rest of my life together. Summer hasn't been that warm yet so I am very thrilled to finally have the sun come out this week. Lately I have so much to smile about...I don't even know how to express how I feel....I'm too giddy and bouncy to really explain it. I am looking forward to meeting his boys and making this all real. xoxoxo

semester is coming to an end

Praise Jebus! I have two more class sessions, and like NOTHING else to do...but work and clean up my office and room and car, and life! I am so relieved that I am this much closer to completing the nursing program. I look forward to the summer but I will actually be very busy...but not as busy as I typically am. I will get to see my friends and family and the introduction of a new nephew into this world. Chase turns 2 in a few days and I remember the day he was born because it was the day of my last final (my first semester of nursing school) and i had pneumonia and was so ill that I wasn't even allowed to meet him for a few days. This summer will consist of me trying to find as much work as possible, saving for next semester's tuition, getting in contact with nursing recruiters in LA county, studying for the NCLEX, studying for ATI, and contacting people I know who can give me advice as to where to move to in December. I would also enjoy visiting Lacey and Peter in Palm Springs, Megs and Nic in Ventura, Lana in SD, and mi familia in Redondo Beach. I would also like to go up to Big Bear as much as I can and enjoy nature and the lake and see many of my old friends. I would like to do this because I really don't plan on attending my 10 year reunion next year. I have my reasons, but I talk to the people I want to stay in contact with. oh well.

Life has been a bit crazy lately due to the fact that I put many of my assignments off till the last minute and I had to spend many hours catching up.

Oh and I just started watching the HBO show ROME...and there is more sex in it than I would have imagined.

One more thing....I get to live by my best friend in December. SHE IS MY LIFE AND WORLD!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!! She is helping figure out what areas to look into. And my life will be complete! I haven't seen her since last summer!

Check out her boyfriend...he is an amazing musician and artist: http://www.timmyersmusic.com/.

Peace and love!

deeeeerrrrr...Wed-nes-day

BOR-ING: today consisted of waking up later than I would like...not wishing a friend luck before her exam because I slept too late (0930), then going to Jazz N Java all day till 1930. I did get a couple assignments completed, ate some good grub, found some new soap that is caffinated that I purchased, took my vitamins, listened to live acoustic music which was amazing (pink floyd all the way) and hung out with my new friend Dirah and Anwar at the coffee shop. My grandmother called me this morning and we need to get together this week...I love that woman to death. She always gets me emotional, but she puts my head on straight. Now I am simply being lazy and lying on my bed dreaming about my future. I am looking forward to so many possibilities in life and where I will be in 6-8 months. It brings joy to my heart and soul. Optimism is the key to a sucessful future....so I will remain that way.

I am probably moving to Big Bear Lake this summer unless I find a new place to live in less than 3 weeks....bummer but its beautiful up there during the summer. Old friends...my mum, ...and days/nights on the lake.

Peace, love, and happiness :)

Another "Spring Break"

I love all these breaks my Christian university gives us, and I do NOT love all the homework our teachers pile on us when we are given said "breaks." I mean seriously, I want to actually have a break, but instead I get to re-write a paper, and do 10 annotated bibliographies, write a 12 page cultural nursing paper, prepare a powerpoint, and do a careplan, a reflection, oh and try to study for finals. Okay, I'm not complaining, just stating fact. I only have 3 more weeks till it is over with, then I'm going to have to find something else to bitch and complain about...oh wait...I won't have anything :) yay!!! 4 months of summer, stary nights, and the beach.

oh yeah.... THREE MORE WEEKS

Time to start "blogging"

So I decided that maybe one of the best ways to get things off my mind besides calling my girlfriends or mom is to maybe type it out? Who knows! Maybe its useless...oh well. Today was quite busy (when isn't it?). I woke up after 4 hours of sleep to my pest of an alarm after pressing snooze 4 or 5 times and contemplating calling in "sick" but I dragged myself out of bed thinking I have to be at the hospital at 6, when it really is 6:30. I didn't have time to shower ( i did the night before) and I tended to my sunburn and prompty put on my uniform and headed out of the house. I was so dizzy driving to the hospital, I can hardly remember it. I got there and couldn't find a classmate or my instructor, then I started to panic when I couldn't find anyone. My cell doesn't work at the hospital, so I went to the pay phone to attempt to call my instructor to see if maybe we were supposed to be somewhere else. Then my professor walks through the door and I was pleaing to her and apologizing, convincing her I was on time and she thought I was crazy to say the least. I was there before I was supposed to. She laughed at me for a good while, then we went to the floor. I don't know if it is luck or destiny, but I am always assigned patients who are the most critical or the bunch on the floor and my day started off....well you can only imagine. My patient was only 63 but was deteriorating quickly. Every organ system was failing and he was scheduled for dialysis for 4 hours today. This is the first time I have had a patient with absolutely zero urinary output, when he was given over 3000 ml of fluids throughout the last 24 hours. His glasgow coma scale was an 8, which is "ok" for the ICU. He responded to painful stimuli by grimacing and rolling his eyes in the back of his head. I just say sorry most of the shift when I have to poke him or do anything to him. His family was present throughout most of the day, which is a pleasant surprise. They were amazing. Even though my patient couldn't communicate with me due to his altered LOC and ET intubation, his family was able to express to me their feelings, worries, and hopes. I felt like a professional during many times of the shift, when they were asking me questions and then later hearing them in the hallways mentioning what I said to them. I felt trusted and reliable. Sometimes I feel like I have NO IDEA what the heck is going on, but I try to give the family anything I can. Nursing isn't just about taking care of your assigned patient, you take care of EVERYONE. They needed answers, I tried.

A really cool RN Chris came and grabbed me today and let me DC his patient's Intra-jugular central venous line and that was cool. I love procedures, but holding an 18g needle next to a woman's neck was SCUURRRYYY!!! Especially pulling the IV out of her neck from her heart, it felt exhilirating. He let me then draw some blood and perform some tests to send to the laboratory, then he let me do a sterile procedure of suctioning the woman who was not intubated. I have only performed this on a simulation dummy in the lab, so I was nervous. I'm starting to become more confident in my skills and able to control my shakiness under pressure. I felt so bad though inserting the tube through the woman's nose to her lungs, because you could tell it was so uncomfortable. I was able to do a successful "suction" (woohoo!) and not kill the poor woman. The respiratory therapist told me I did a great job, and that made me smile.

The day ended well and I feel like I'm becoming much more at ease in critical environments. After post conference I got some food, drove home, and still find myself after such a long day unable to sit down. I didn't pee for 12 hours today either. Its so wierd how that works. It definately is NOT healthy. hahaha. I just checked out my sunburn tonight and I am so glad I smothered myself with so much aloe and lotion last night because it looks 40% better. Still a little painful, good thing I advised everyone today to not touch me. Anywho, tomorrow should be fun because I get to play School Nurse and go to many different schools in Riverside with another RN. It will be another long day, but I love kids so I am looking forward to it.

Alright, well I am going to tend to my studies...goodnight! xoxo